I almost do,

So I'm meeting my babygirl in a few hours time. And here I am lying on my bed, curled into a ball hoping my cough syrup will take effect so that I can fall asleep. But all this thoughts running through my mind is stopping me from falling asleep. 

The past few months had been rather mundane. It is just work, the girls and nothing else.
But everything seems so different nowadays. I feel so different, I feel like a totally different person now. I get it, I don't need others to remind me. I know I'm not so lucky like others. And I don't think I will ever be that lucky girl. To meet someone that is willing to stay in my life. But it's okay, I'll be just fine alone. It gets harder and harder to open up to people. I hesitate for a second, but the though of people eventually walking away just scares me. Effortless exists without any explanation&goodbyes. But then again, who would have the patience to clear up this mess and repair everything which is broken?

I guess I'm just losing hope day by day. No expectations, no disappointment and I know I will be happier like this. I've guard my heart, and built walls higher and higher each time I fall. I stop trusting others because the moment I do I know I will be vulnerable, and I can't afford let that happen again. It is so hard to find someone to will never play with your feelings. Someone who is willing to stay to make things right. And over the months, I learnt how to be more independent and protect myself. To do things for myself. I was never like that. I used to be very dependent on others. But not anymore. Because at the end of the day, I know I only can depend on myself to stand up again. Friends can always be there, and I know my girls will always be there. But sometimes there is just so much they can do for you. The rest is up to yourself. And I always thankful for my girls and also my dearest mommy. (: For always being there, and mom for always giving the best to me. 

All of it is fading away slowly. I'm starting to forget. But I always remember the one and only time to be that close to you. Once in a while, it still goes back to you. But I know it all doesn't matter, X. I've move on, but those happy memories will always stay.